Who I am and Whose I am

*I realize that this post is really long with no pictures. Sorry about that. I still feel like it’s important to say, even without visuals!*

Hopefully if you read my blog entries often, or if you know me in real life, you know that I love Jesus. I mean, it says it in the header of our site, right?

But I got to thinking…I often marvel that I grew up knowing that my parents were Christians, going to church with them all the time, and yet I never heard the details of my dad’s testimony until after his accident five years ago.

I want to be transparent and straightforward on our family website. I want you to know who I am and WHOSE I am.

So, here’s my story…

I’m thankful to have grown up in a Christian home, with parents who took me to church all the time. They told me from a very young age about Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross to atone for our sins (probably without the word “atone” at that young age, haha).

I remember seeing my mom sit and read her Bible at the kitchen table, and I knew she kept a journal along with it. She was also very active at church. My dad was a deacon.

At the age of three, I came home from Cubbies and asked to accept Jesus as my Savior. I think my mom helped me to “pray the prayer.”

Three is young. And yet, I believe the Holy Spirit was working on my little heart to lead me to the Lord. Sure, I didn’t understand all that it means to be a Christian. But I knew that I couldn’t live without the saving grace of Jesus. For that age, it was enough.

And so, I grew up in the church.

But I also grew up in public school, amongst a lot of kids who didn’t know Jesus. (I’m not necessarily anti-public school, so don’t get up in arms here.) While I was a goody-two-shoes people pleaser, always the teacher’s pet, I was also influenced by the kids around me.

And my dad worked a lot. And I think he didn’t really know how to relate to his daughters, since he’d grown up with three brothers.

So, I wouldn’t say I was a very rebellious child. But I most definitely made sinful choices and didn’t represent Christ well in a lot of ways. I wish I could go back to all the kids I knew in school and apologize for being a poor representation of Christ. I was far too prideful, and not at all humble enough to lead my friends to the Lord. I wasn’t transparent with my own struggles.

Eventually, though, I graduated from my small-town public high school…with a class of 56 students. See? I said it was small! And I went off to the big city for college. Cornerstone University in Grand Rapids. I always intended to get my teaching degree and go back home to teach.

And then I saw that the world was much bigger than I ever expected!

I met my husband Luke at CU. I went on a life-changing missions trip to Romania, working with abandoned babies at a run-down hospital. I prayed and studied and grew and matured.

And I fell in love. With my Savior…and with Luke.

Luke and I married the winter of my senior year of college. I would have had one full year of school left after our wedding. But God had other plans, and He allowed us to get pregnant just eight weeks after the wedding. Imagine the shock! So, I waddled through the first year of our marriage, and I gave birth to our Gracie-girl about six weeks before our first anniversary.

Having a child so quickly, and learning to be a wife at the same time, was difficult. I always wanted to be a wife and mom, so it was a dream come true. But it was also much harder than I could have ever expected. I had to grow up a lot, and quickly!

We had another surprise pregnancy when Grace was 7 months old. (How does this keep happening?!) We started building our house, then moved in. Baby Caleb was born. Another pregnancy when Caleb was 9 months old. Baby Ava was born. Annnnnnnnd another pregnancy when Ava was 10 months old led to Baby Jaden. Whew. I’m tired just typing all of that.

And somewhere in there, after marriage and just before babies, God placed us amongst an amazing group of people at FHBC. So while I was growing up, and learning to be a wife and mom, and yearning to be a better Christ-follower, I was also falling deeply in love with Christ’s church.

What a beautiful blessing it is to be surrounded by like-minded individuals, all with unique stories, who love Christ and serve Him with their lives. I most definitely would not be the woman I am today, and would never be the woman I hope to be, if I didn’t have Christ’s church to teach me how to live. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by parents who are doing a GREAT job of parenting, and they’re willing to share advice. I’m blessed to have women in my life who are submissive wives (not doormats – submissive to our husbands’ authority, like God calls us to be). I can watch and learn and be reminded of the way I am called to behave. I’m blessed to be discipled by educated, passionate, committed pastors (and friends!) who will not water down God’s Word, but always preach the truth and do it in a way that not only convicts but also compels.

I am a blessed woman.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had my own struggles, because believe me, I have!

I used to really struggle with my self-image, not understanding that it is Christ who gives me value. I’m made in His image, and He has redeemed me, and that’s why I’m beautiful! But alas, not understanding or believing that led me to relationships in high school that I would call sinful. (You know, that whole Scripture about not being unequally yoked? Yep. That’s a really important one!!!)

I struggled with anxiety and depression in college, and had to take some medicine to get it under control. (Thanks, Lexapro. I used to love you.) Thankfully, I’ve been able to be off the meds for lots of years, and I’m doing okay. I don’t want to get into a debate about Christian depression, but let me tell you…there is a marked difference between deep sadness and clinical depression. If you haven’t experienced it, just trust me. Real depression is like a black hole that you cannot pull yourself out of. It is seriously scary.

Sometimes I struggle with fear of the future. I often think of the verse about the Proverbs 31 woman who “laughs at the future.” I want to be that woman, always trusting in God’s sovereign plan. If I’m not careful to remind myself of the truth of Scripture, I can fret and worry about the “what-ifs.” What if Luke dies before we’re old? What if I die before we’re old? What would the kids do without a mother? You know, those sorts of unhelpful questions. But God’s Word tells us in no uncertain terms, “Do not worry.” So I take it that worry is a sin, and it’s a sin that I’m battling. The only thing that combats worry in my life is Scripture memorization/meditation (and, of course, the help of the Holy Spirit).

And the very most often, I struggle with patience toward my children. You know, looooooooooooooong-suffering. In fact, I have a very fresh example for you. I have organized my craft materials into these plastic drawers that are labeled and oh-so-wonderful. And today, Ava was trying to get a hole punch out of one of the drawers and tipped it off the shelf. That would be a section that included 5 drawers. And two of the drawers were buttons and brads. Yikes. It was a ROYAL mess with some very tiny pieces to find in our frieze carpet. And I most definitely did not react with patience and love. It was ugly. In the end, I had to give a very humble apology to my little 4-year-old (who “didn’t mean to, Mommy”) and seek God’s forgiveness, too. Because no matter which way you slice it, my REaction was much worse than Ava’s action. And that is what I most struggle with. It’s probably the most humbling of them all, because the way I react to a situation like that is a true test of my heart condition.

If you really think about it, all of my struggles come from a lack of eternal perspective and a real lack of trust in God’s plan. Apparently, God decided it would bring Him glory and contribute to His ultimate plan to have Ava dump over a bunch of tiny little pieces today. And instead of trusting His plan for my life, I exploded in selfishness and annoyance.

It all comes down to trust in the One to whom I belong.

May He capture my heart again and again. “Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” (Psalm 51:7)

And THAT is who I am and WHOSE I am.